grieving during a pandemic

I have been wanting to write about this for awhile and have been waiting for the words to come to me. Today we went to a memorial for my brother in law and I think I am ready!!

When Jaymee died my insides shriveled and my soul was consumed by guilt. It was like a serpent that crept into every cell of my body! I didn’t do enough. I was a terrible mother, could I have prevented it. I had done something to bring this on myself. There were days I hoped I wouldn’t wake up.

What kept me alive literally and figuratively was human interaction. I went back to work 2 weeks after her death because I couldn’t sit at home anymore. I couldn’t sweep the floors anymore and there wasn’t a piece of laundry left to wash.

I dreaded what people would say to me and how I would respond. Would the response make them uncomfortable and we would end up spirally down a rabbit hole of awkward dysfunctional communication.

It forced me to get up everyday and get dressed and be present on some level. It literally kept me alive.

There were those awkward conversations but I was in the presence of people and that helped. People that cared about me. People that would make eye contact with me and I could tell their words had good intentions.

For most of us that human interaction has been limited. For people grieving they are now even more alone. They are socially distancing, not getting hugs, not going out to eat or to church. They are left to their grief alone.

People are still experiencing death due to other things other than covid. The social isolation itself causes grief. Grief is about loss. Loss of life, loss of what was to be, loss of events. Weddings cancelled, births not shared, working alone, cancelled girls nights out and no more dinner dates. Grieving people are to be supported by a grieving society.

I visited with a member this week who had recently lost his wife. They had been married for 58 years. His daughter checks on him once a week and brings him groceries. He said he wakes up in his chair at night and thinks his wife is with him.

I listen to his story of her illness and death, how they met and how it has been for him. Something he has not been able to do. I know for those grieving it is the story that gets us through. Processing what has happened. Killing the serpent of guilt, making eye contact and knowing that someone is listening.

We must stay connected. However we need to do it. Text, zoom, calls. It isn’t the same and it isn’t as effective but we need to do it. I am reminded every day how imperative it is, to keep us alive. Literally!!!

I wanted to hug my family today and I couldn’t. I left feeling empty and afraid. I want them to feel supported. I want them to feel heard.

Please remember that grief comes out in many ways and that most of us are grieving. It is simply a matter of how much. Try to listen to someone’s story, it may be what keeps them alive….literally.