Unapologetically Pretty

I was having lunch with a dear friend, and we were solving the world’s problems. The topic of our work in forensics came up and a waitress that was nearby heard our conversation. She came to the table and disclosed her own victimization and how a group of women she texted with saved her life. She said it was nothing that they said but just that they shared her experience.

I would be willing to put money on it that every woman at some time in her life has had a creepy feeling from someone, had her personal space invaded, been touched when she did not want to, or had something inappropriate said to her. If fact I think it is so common that most women never tell anyone. What happens then, is these forms of abuse are not addressed. It is abuse!

It is no wonder when the abuse is more severe; physical violence, sexual assault, rape, incest, financial abuse and emotional abuse it is not disclosed. There is shame, guilt and minimization by the victim. All common emotions and often used against her to discredit the disclosure.

Statistically this does not happen to men. I am not going to argue the incidence. I know it occurs, but it is not a daily thought in men’s minds that someone may hurt them. They are not concerned for their safety. It just doesn’t happen.

The climate of this country makes me feel unsafe. More now than ever before. Preventing a woman from having autonomy over her own body is abuse. Having a third party enter into your relationship with your health care provider is abuse. Controlling a woman’s choice on when to have a family is abuse. It can be shrouded in whatever means they choose but it is abuse.

The American Government has become our abusive partner. We have been controlled financially, emotionally and physically. Poor conviction rates on crimes against women, shaming women for their personal choices and controlling their bodies.

No matter what your personal opinions are on abortion I encourage you to see the bigger picture. We need to protect each other from our abuser. I am confident that on an individual basis we would do this without question. Barak Obama said that “if all positions of power were held by women there would be a significant improvement across the board on just about everything, living standards and outcomes. Women are just better than men.” (2019)

If you are a one issue voter I have a suggestion. Vote for Kamala Harris because she is a woman. I think it’s about time!!!

I know I write about it a lot. Unfortunately it is due to life experiences. Our culture has a difficult time with it. For some reason we are trained to “keep it together”, “be strong for others”, cry in solitude.

It is hard to grieve in a world that makes you feel like you shouldn’t. We are all on borrowed time. Death is part of our existence. We can disagree with what happens after, but we know the end will come.

We shelter our children from it. We avoid being uncomfortable. Does this avoidance just make it harder in the long run? Do we avoid conversations that could possibly provide some comfort?

We all do it differently. I think it is important to recognize that your way may be difficult for others. This is what makes family loss even more difficult. Some want to talk about it, others want to do so in private. Some want to reminisce others want to forget. What may be comforting for you may be triggering for someone else. You may want to create a space to hold your memories and others may want to remove painful reminders.

Guilt is part of grief. I should have spent more time. I should have been more available. I should have asked questions and made sure they were ok. We all have priorities and make choices every day. We never think those choices will burden us. Simple choices like working to put food on the table and choosing the daily grind. Those choices will always be there. Be kind to yourself. In that time, you made the right choice.

Does loss make us more empathic. Maybe. Does it make us more available, possibly. Do we want other to have loss to gain these things, I say no.

We are a community with different experiences. We have the ability to share those and create a better place. Someone is experiencing grief every day. We don’t know how that is affecting them. Be kind, be open, be nurturing. If you can’t today, try again tomorrow.

Allow yourself to cry. Cry in front of others if you feel safe to do so. We need to be a community that recognizes that others may be in pain. Showing sadness allows others to express empathy. Give hugs and receive them. The transfer of energy is healing in both directions.

Say “I love you.” You will only regret not saying it.

I dreamt of Jaymee last night. I haven’t done that in a long time. In the dream we were getting ready for some type of event. It required us to get dressed up. Jaymee, myself, my friend Kelley and her two adult daughters were together dressing for the occasion. Kelley and I were admiring our girls and their beauty.

Jaymee was pregnant and making jokes about her belly. She was her jovial, sarcastic, gregarious self. I could hear her voice so clearly, we hugged and I “felt” her. I could smell her hair. It was a wonderful dream.

When I was transitioning from sleep to wake I concentrated on remembering her voice. My conscious brain can’t hear it anymore. This hurts me and I didn’t realize how much. I lay there in the dark and tried to bring it back to my conscious self. It was there momentarily and then it was gone. I lay there in the dark and cried.

Earlier in the day I had seen a patient who spoke of losing her son. Her way to grieve was she didn’t. She did not feel emotions. She said she did not feel joy, or anger or sadness. She was thinking it was time to address his loss. We talked about it. I told her it would be hard and painful.

I told her how the empathy that I have for others is sometimes unbearable.

I told her of a friend who had recently lost her son and that when I heard the news it was like someone kicked me in the stomach. I knew the pain she would have for the next several years would be unbearable at times.

We talked about the cliche saying of you have to experience loss to experience complete joy. I don’t know if this is true. There were days that the thought of not being seemed the best choice. I am grateful I did not act on that.

In February it will be 20 years since Jaymee’s death. I hate that I didn’t get to be a grandmother to her children, that I didn’t get to see her become an adult with a career and a family. I hate that I didn’t get to see she and Logan have an adult sibling relationship.

I am grateful that I survived her death.

I am grateful that I chose life

I am grateful that on a rare occasion I can help others.

I am grateful for the wonders of the human brain that allowed me to hear and feel her in my dream.

We currently live in a world with blurred boundaries, where social media is where we have our conversations. We have thousands of “friends” but very few intimate relationships.

We hear about everyone’s trauma, past history, abusive partners and relationships.

In my work with families and patients I have learned that self-disclosure is rarely helpful and almost always discouraged. When you do it, it must be done carefully.

Therapeutic relationships are most beneficial when the professional has very firm boundaries. Firm boundaries provide safety for people. Your therapist probably isn’t telling you about their past, if they are, get another therapist.

Facebook, IG etc are not locations of professional relationships. That doesn’t mean we don’t have to have some rules about self disclosure.

Why do we choose to use these platforms to self disclose? Good question to ask yourself. Unfortunately people will disclose something personal about themselves and then regret it. The responses are not what they hoped for or leave them feeling vulnerable.

So in a world with blurred boundaries here are a few tips regarding self disclosure;

Leave out the details. Being vague is ok. We all have things that have happened to us that hurt and others can relate to that feeling without knowing EXACTLY what happened.

If what you are wanting is warm, positive, nurturing responses…disclose in PRIVATE.

Remember that what you disclose could trigger someone else. Be responsible and consider how this could affect others.

Don’t give advice based on your circumstances. Leave that to the professionals.

Maybe considering typing it out and then instead of posting it or sending it just let it rest. Come back in a few days, read it and decide if it is really what you want the world to see.

If you have something you need to talk about, consider a few therapy sessions. It can do wonders to have a neutral person hear your story.

• 

What the hell are those?

I ask myself that when I am scrolling through social media, reading my “friends” posts.

We all have different personal boundaries. Some of us are more comfortable letting people in than others. I have very tight professional boundaries and my personal boundaries, well it depends who you are?

There are so many situations so this blog will address personal boundaries with true friends.

We will talk about social boundaries and professional boundaries in additional blogs. I could write an entire book but I don’t have time, the money, and nobody would read it.

So the assumption with this advice is that these are people that you trust, that care about you, and that you feel comfortable with.

There is no rule that says that just because these people care about you, that they need to know everything. One of the most poignant things I ever heard someone say is that people who disclose everything feel unsafe, and disclosing some things makes you unsafe. Sad but true.

Your loved ones do NOT need to know every fault, mistake or sin you have! If you want to share that is ok but realize that the response you get may not be what you want to hear.

These secrets, faults and sins may be better told to a professional with professional boundaries and skills at helping you work through them. Sometimes the people we love hurt us.

When we are in a committed relationship with our partners that does not mean they need to know everything. You can have a healthy relationship without including your past. It might hurt them and it might hurt you. Leave it there.

Parents….Your children do not need to hear what you did when you were young, how your sex life is, or when you lost your virginity…Yes I do need to say this. Hypothetical conversations are ok, the dirty deets, NOPE!!

Lastly I think it is fair to say that most secrets are not kept. If you don’t want people to know, don’t tell it!!

Surely I am not the only person who lies awake at the wee hours of the morning thinking about the need to write.

Most of my inspiration comes from memes that are circulating on Facebook or the current topic of debate on social media. I feel like it is important for me to say that I am writing from a position of privilege. That I do not and will never understand the personal consequences of oppression, racism and injustice.

I also recognize that my experiences and education are what form my understanding of things. In the grand scheme of things, those experiences are minimal in comparison.

I like to use analogies or personal stories to try and form a common link to help people empathize.

When I was in fifth grade my three closest friends decided to start making fun of me. I was preparing for a piano contest and would often practice the piece on my “air” piano, running my fingers in sequence on my desk. They started mocking me and that lead to making fun of how I looked, that I was chubby etc. It was horrible and made me feel unworthy. We know that young children often internalize these early experiences and they form the person they will become. It seems hard to fathom that a grown woman with two masters degrees still feels inadequate at times and remembers that feeling of exclusion. It was and can be a physical feeling. A sick feeling in your gut and heart.

It was also common practice when I was in high school to use the words “gay” and “retard”. These words are offensive and I no longer use them. Part of being part of a collective community is change. Listening to others and accepting what is hurtful. Changing our vocabulary and always attempting to be inclusive.

We do not get to decide what is hurtful to others. I hear people say “this is ridiculous…where will it stop?” What if the answer was,

“it’s going to stop with you. We are going to continue to say and do things that are hurtful to you but allow everyone else to feel safe?”

Doesn’t that sound ridiculous. It has been in my lifetime that people with disabilities like cerebral palsy and down syndrome have been seen in TV shows. Before then they didn’t exist in the media world. What must young children have thought all those years when they didn’t see others like them.

I find it sad that we cannot empathize with others. That we are not willing to end behaviors that make others feel unsafe. When common items and literature cause people to feel mocked it is not ok.

I encourage you to think about your child or loved one. Research shows that the greatest change comes when we can associate it with someone we know or have a loving relationship with.

What if someone made fun of your child. Would you defend them? Would you want to institute change? There are no exceptions to what that situation is if you are truly expressing empathy.

Physical disability, color of their skin, the size of their nose, the shape of their eyes, their DNA, their gender, their sexual orientation, the way they express themselves through hair, clothing, piercings, tattoos. The list does not end and neither should our willingness to include.

We all have one. Most of us have heard it in reference to listening to it when you are in fear or have concerns about a person, place or thing. That voice that is there to protect us, that we often don’t listen to.

Unfortunately this voice is often unkind, judgemental, the voice that keeps us from doing things we want to do.

“You really shouldn’t do that”

“Spending money that way is frivolous”

“You don’t deserve that.”

“you are fat”

“You are ugly”

Thank goodness my inner voice is pretty kind to me. This week I had my house cleaned professionally. It was the second time I have done it. I have been spending my weekends cleaning my own place since I was 17 years old.

I had been telling myself for years that I was going to hire someone to do it but I never did.

I just really didn’t want to let go of the money, perhaps my inner voice was telling me that was frivolous or that I was being selfish.

Dan and I had planned to go to lunch and run some errands while the cleaning people were here. Dan said to me “I have decided that we don’t need to pay someone to clean the house. I have the time. I can do it”

10 years ago I would have been mad at him but I knew he was struggling with that voice just as I had.

“nope it’s happening and you aren’t going to take that away! I don’t want either of us spending our time doing it.”

When we came home to a clean house I can’t tell you how elated I was. The house smelled good, it was clean, and my weekend was no longer dedicated to cleaning!!

I do deserve it. I work hard. I have worked hard. I can afford it and it’s ok if it is frivolous, (which it isn’t)

Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Choose which voice you listen to. It is ok to NOT do what you were brought up to believe. You determine your value and your worth. Make sure you aren’t short changing yourself.

I grumble every morning that I don’t want to go to work. I work long hours, listen to endless stories and feel emotionally drained when I get home. At the weeks end, when my work is done, I often reflect on the stories I hear and I recognize that I do truly enjoy my job. People are so amazing. Their journeys so poignant. I often see things from a different perspective; something that still amazes me.

I met with a man who had literally been on his own since he was seven years old. I can’t imagine putting my seven year old grandson on the street to fend for himself. He was put on the street because he was a “half breed. The other nine siblings also sent in various directions. He was taken in by strangers for a truck load of corn and bounced from place to place. He was reunited with his brother at the age of 13, while sitting at the counter at a local cafe. The waitress just happened to be a cousin who knew who each of them was. He was rich in memories, and spoke openly about his experiences. He did not seem to see his struggles as negative, simply that this is just the way it was. I could tell that his minimal possessions really didn’t matter to him and after hearing his story I understood why. It was an incredible journey.

I spent some time with a man who had aspergers. He explained that he wasn’t slow and that he learned of his condition at the age of 40. He had done some research and was relieved that there was an explanation for his struggles. He was truly amazed at the efficacy of the newly prescribed medication Cialis. He mentioned it so many times that is was uncomfortable, horribly uncomfortable. “that stuff is incredible Lisa.” I didn’t ask any questions.

The best part of my job is I see love. Long lasting love. I visited a couple who had been together for over 60 years. She had alzheimers. She rarely spoke and when she did is was mostly nonsensical. The family had decided to put in a feeding tube. This is a choice I rarely see with alzheimers patients. It does extend their lives. In many cases this extension would not be beneficial. Many patients are agitated and confused, they pace and cry out. The progression of the neurological decline prevents them from being able to swallow, speak, sit and walk. This particular patient was calm and quiet. She could no longer walk but she did not appear to be in any distress. She sat and watched her husband and I interact and near the end of our visit she engaged with me and laughed. This brought her husband so much joy and it was apparent it was not time for her to go. I often educate people about their end of life choices. This interaction made me realize how important these decisions are to the other family members. In this instance, extending her life was good for everyone.

I am always amazed by the human spirit, the will to survive and the power of love. I am grateful to be a witness and participant in these amazing stories.

*some information is changed to protect people’s identity

My son’s cat had kittens this week and bless her heart, it was not a seamless experience. He called me out of concern and I could hear Fiona’s desperate meows in the background. There were four kittens in the box he had prepared for them, one still in the amniotic sac, that hadn’t made it. She was howling for help. I was working and couldn’t help much but I told him “something is wrong, she shouldn’t be crying like that”. Later I learned she delivered two more and had calmed down some. Mamma Fiona, would bring the kittens and drop them at his feet and cry. She was distraught. My son sat with her in the bedroom floor and she eventually calmed, nursed them, and relaxed. I told Logan, “She thinks of you as her mommy, she needs you.”

We aren’t born knowing how to do it, contrary to popular belief. It is a learning process forever.

Society doesn’t give us mom’s much of a break. The expectations are high and the societal rewards, well, there really aren’t any.

So many ingrained things that are expected. I wake up in the morning and wonder what I will do for dinner. I know my husband NEVER thinks that.

I feel guilty if I don’t keep the laundry up and I feel responsible when there is family discourse.

I try REALLY hard not to have those feelings but I do.

Having a career, is always secondary. We are the ones who stay home with sick kids. We rearrange our work schedules around school events.

It is what we do. When mom’s are struggling and working over time, not making those talent shows or providing treats for holidays, they are looked down on.

There is no room for your personality. You should know how to create the perfect gingerbread man and design the most epic Halloween costume.

I can not bake gingerbread and have made a few costumes but they were for myself. I am not the home room mom!!

My son said to me, “Oh my god this has been so stressful!” I said “imagine how it was for her”!!

I have been wanting to write about this for awhile and have been waiting for the words to come to me. Today we went to a memorial for my brother in law and I think I am ready!!

When Jaymee died my insides shriveled and my soul was consumed by guilt. It was like a serpent that crept into every cell of my body! I didn’t do enough. I was a terrible mother, could I have prevented it. I had done something to bring this on myself. There were days I hoped I wouldn’t wake up.

What kept me alive literally and figuratively was human interaction. I went back to work 2 weeks after her death because I couldn’t sit at home anymore. I couldn’t sweep the floors anymore and there wasn’t a piece of laundry left to wash.

I dreaded what people would say to me and how I would respond. Would the response make them uncomfortable and we would end up spirally down a rabbit hole of awkward dysfunctional communication.

It forced me to get up everyday and get dressed and be present on some level. It literally kept me alive.

There were those awkward conversations but I was in the presence of people and that helped. People that cared about me. People that would make eye contact with me and I could tell their words had good intentions.

For most of us that human interaction has been limited. For people grieving they are now even more alone. They are socially distancing, not getting hugs, not going out to eat or to church. They are left to their grief alone.

People are still experiencing death due to other things other than covid. The social isolation itself causes grief. Grief is about loss. Loss of life, loss of what was to be, loss of events. Weddings cancelled, births not shared, working alone, cancelled girls nights out and no more dinner dates. Grieving people are to be supported by a grieving society.

I visited with a member this week who had recently lost his wife. They had been married for 58 years. His daughter checks on him once a week and brings him groceries. He said he wakes up in his chair at night and thinks his wife is with him.

I listen to his story of her illness and death, how they met and how it has been for him. Something he has not been able to do. I know for those grieving it is the story that gets us through. Processing what has happened. Killing the serpent of guilt, making eye contact and knowing that someone is listening.

We must stay connected. However we need to do it. Text, zoom, calls. It isn’t the same and it isn’t as effective but we need to do it. I am reminded every day how imperative it is, to keep us alive. Literally!!!

I wanted to hug my family today and I couldn’t. I left feeling empty and afraid. I want them to feel supported. I want them to feel heard.

Please remember that grief comes out in many ways and that most of us are grieving. It is simply a matter of how much. Try to listen to someone’s story, it may be what keeps them alive….literally.