Being a parent is one of the hardest things we do. Often we feel incompetent or guilty. The screaming toddler can provoke us into a person we don’t want to be. It is difficult to remember that adults are supposed to be in control of their emotions, something that some people never master.
How can we expect children to learn this if we don’t model this behavior. I often hear “why does he act like this?” “We can’t let them get away with it or they will win.”
Is parenting really about who wins? What is the cost?
Some things to consider…How old is the child? What is the struggle? How many rules do you have? Does the punishment fit the crime?
I encourage distraction with small children. There is no rationalizing with a child who barely understand cause and effect. You can talk all you want but they can’t hear you. Don’t talk about what it is they are melting down about. Simply acknowledge their feelings and try to get them to move on.
Some issues have to be addressed….Others don’t. If they are at risk of hurting themselves or others we have to talk about it. Teenagers are tough. They are trying to become the person they want to be. We often isolate them out of fear or as punishment. This can be devastating and I encourage you to find ways for them to socialize that are safe. Team activities or something that is well monitored are good options. Remember a teenager’s job is to be difficult and disagree with you. Learning how to debate in a healthy way is a wonderful skill. Listen to what they are saying you might be surprised. Counseling is always a good option. They will not want to go, remember that’s their job. Tell them “we are going to go three times, then we can talk about whether we want to continue.” Most teenagers are not going to say “wow that really helped and I enjoy this therapeutic relationship!” You’ll be lucky if you get, ” I guess she is OK.”
How many rules do you have at your house? Rules for small children should focus on safety. We don’t jump on the bed. We eat at the table. If you have more than 10 rules I encourage you to look at them.
When you get ready to discipline it is OK to think about it for awhile; especially with older children. Don’t make decisions when you are angry. “I need to think on this. I will let you know tomorrow.” Include the other parent whenever possible. We often make very harsh decisions when we are angry and we have a lot of trouble following through. Just wait…It’s OK.
How much quality time are you spending? This can off set the worst behavior. Do you sit at the table, with the TV off, and eat dinner as a family? If you don’t, you should. The research on this is amazing and has positive long term effects, simply by eating one meal a day as a family.
Do you truly talk to your children about what is going on? “is anyone picking on you at school” bullying is rampant and children will usually not tell unless you ask. If you are seeing signs of depression ask. “Are you feeling sad, how often, do you have thoughts about hurting yourself or hurting someone else?” Have an agreement that you will ask and the child will tell you the truth. It could be live saving
After the last meltdown at our house we were all exhausted, feeling small and incompetent. We said “I am sorry” and acknowledged feelings. Even the big people did this. Perfection is unattainable, be present, love, care, listen. It’ll be OK.
Unapologetically Pretty 
Good advice to any of us, young or old!
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