Unapologetically Pretty

I just spent the last 2o minutes scrolling through social media looking at everyone’s New Year’s eve photos and New Year day well wishes!!

I am trying not to be synical but good god this last year sucked and I am still in my pajamas!!

I don’t understand the people in the pretty dresses and fancy nights out??

I didn’t even attempt to make it to midnight last night!! I was more concerned with getting to go to bed early and sleep in past 7 am.

I cooked a big meal this afternoon and had my share of prosecco! I might get in the hot tub later. That is as far as my goals stretch!!

I am not gonna make a cheerful post about what the next year holds for me. I am hoping I still have a job and I get the vaccine soon.

I am hoping I get to take a f’king vacation that involves room service, a mint on my pillow and turn down service in the next year.

I am hoping I get to go somewhere to get my CME’s and that I won’t be permanently chained to my computer for one hour stents for the next year!!

I am hoping that people will be able to break free from home isolation.

I am hoping for a weekly night out for dinner or drinks….God I miss that!!

I am hoping I have the emotional energy to lose this covid fluff!! It is turning more into a problem then just a little extra!!

I am mostly hoping that most of us do more than survive in 2021.

Survival isn’t living and I am ready!!

Sometimes I blog just to journal my feelings. I never admit to having all of the answers. Maybe by putting my thoughts down I will bring some clarity to the issue or cause someone else to have an aha moment.

A theme I see with many of my home visits, mirror the things I see with professional care providers and women. Ironically most professionals in my line of work ARE women and we tend to be the primary care provider throughout our entire life span.

When it is what you do, when do you decide it is more than you can handle, or it is time to pass the baton?

When does a loving wife have the right to walk away from her abusive partner who has completely transformed due to dementia?

When does a mother get to walk away from her mentally ill adult child, who refuses to take care of himself or his medication?

When is it Ok to take time for yourself?

When do you not see yourself anymore but only see the care provider? What can be done about this?

What is left for you when your partner of 50 years passes away and you are alone. You no longer have friends or hobbies. What could you have done differently?

The love/ life balance is a tricky one.

I think the balance starts early in the relationship. We need to nourish self-efficacy. Make our own needs known. There is as much joy in receiving as giving. Make sure that you are doing and getting both.

Foster self-esteem instead of dependence.

Love unconditionally but give yourself permission to set limits.

Have tough conversations now, so that the decisions later are less difficult.

Ask for advice.

Know that it is ok to step back.

Have a confidant

Be kind to yourself

I have seen and heard some hateful things in the last weeks. What is really most upsetting is many of these things are being said by people I considered friends. At 56 years of age I can decide whether we will remain friends based on your political views. What you are saying is you fear people like me.

I was that 19 year old single mother who took advantage of WIC and food stamps. I did it to feed myself and my child, to complete an education that would later feed us.

I was that single woman who took advantage of planned parenthood to get my birth control pills.

I was the lower middle class mother and wife who borrowed money from the federal government in the form of student loans to better myself and my family. Guess what, I even borrowed money to help pay my bills

I am the nurse who provided care to an underserved population to help pay my back my student loans.

I was the lower middle class nurse who bought a home with an FHA first time home buyers loan, a federal program.

I am the nurse who volunteered to serve victims of crime who had been sexually assaulted, who were often unrepresented, and rarely saw justice served. I was paid for my time through government funding provided by VAWA.

I was the nurse who served children who were victims of crime. I was part of a non-profit agency that received federal funding from Victim’s of Crime grants.

I am the nurse practitioner who again borrowed money from the federal government, who now provides care to our vulnerable aging population!! Guess what I borrowed extra money while in Nurse practitioner school to help pay my bills.

I am a Nurse practitioner who took advantage of many federal programs to become the successful person I am today. If you think giving me these handouts was wasteful, that because I took advantage of these programs I am worthless, that everyone who utilizes federal programs is a dirt bag then guess what. We can’t be friends.

When I was about 13 years old someone said to me, “you’re cute but you won’t be the beautiful one, that is your sister.” It obviously had an impact as I remember it vividly 43 years later.

Women are almost always first judged by their appearance and criticized for their assertiveness, feminism, control, facial expressions etc. etc.

As I watched the vice-presidential debate and listened to the commentating it saddened me to hear the comments, and knowing this was a no win situation for a black woman in the year 2020.

Memes plastered the internet of all of her facial expressions, some alluding that this is a typical unstable or bitchy woman.

Our previous first lady and current are criticized for their clothing, hair, makeup!

I love coordinated jewelry and clothes, bright lips and funky hair. Sometimes I feel like I am doing a disservice to myself for enjoying those things. Am I supporting a culture that sees this as my worth?

I am no slouch!! Highly educated, articulate and empathic. I serve a community that often has no voice. Is it wrong for me to also want to wear bright red lipstick?

I really don’t know where I am going with this. I just feel this struggle personally and see it in others.

Alicia Keyes made the bold decision to no longer wear makeup as a message to young women that they do not have to conform, and that beauty is more than skin deep. I respect that decision.

I also ask, has any man ever had to back off the beard balm or hair gel in an effort to be respected? I think not!

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I use social media primarily as a place to do  business and see pictures of places and people.  I do not use it as a primary source of education or enlightenment.  I would love to say that I always ignore the political posts and don’t comment but sometimes I see something that I just can’t resist commenting on.

What happened to civil discourse, true debate, pros and cons, the Ben Franklin Close?  I have been called a Libtard, a left wing idiot and a radical!  All by adults!!  What in the hell is happening?

I read a post that really resonated with me and reaffirmed what I have been saying for years.  Probably because this post was written by a nurse and in our education we are taught to look at the whole being not just the illness.  She talked about systems and that we must look at the entire system before choosing to “fix” an individual part of it.

I feel overwhelmed when I think about our system as a people, living in one world.  One world that is affected by each of us in one way or another.  To see ourselves as separate from this system is egocentric and destructive.

We MUST want what is best for EVERYONE!!  It hurts my heart to think that some people can’t see this.  There are some who feel that our universe, world, existence, is energy.  Energy that we as a human population create and that energy affects us.  If this is true, everyone is hurting.  The negative energy far outweighs the positive.  We know that negative thoughts, stress, hormones our bodies produce when exposed to stress, will affect our health.  Maybe that is why the US is one of the sickest places on earth.

Is it so bad to hope for happiness for everyone?  That everyone be able to go to the doctor, afford to feed their children, be able to get a good education.  Is it too much to ask to  have a safe place to express your opinion without being called a name!  Is it unreasonable to walk the streets with a sign that requests these things and not fear for your own life?

Shouldn’t we live in a world where it is NOT OK to call someone a derogatory name!!  Isn’t it reasonable to expect that we not refer to women as nasty, inferior, or stupid.  Must I remind everyone that your mother is a woman and that without us there would be no world!!  Isn’t it reasonable that as a woman I can do what I want with my own body and that nobody should have power over it.

Isn’t reasonable to expect everyone to be able to empathize with others.  Our ability to have a civilized society depends on this.

I wish that each of you could experience a day with me.  Seeing a vulnerable population with inadequate resources.  Contrary to popular belief this is not their fault, but a systems failure, which brings me to the origin of this post!!  We are failing.  Time is running out.  We are descending down to a place I thought I would never see!  We can’t fix a cog in a broken wheel and expect the wheel to turn.  It won’t!!

 

 

 

My work of going into people’s homes can be challenging.  I must always be respectful and recognize that I am a guest.  Sometimes I hear distressing and hurtful comments.  Frequently I have to let them pass.  This past few weeks I have had several opportunities to respectfully educate and have meaningful conversations, with people and this makes my heart full and helps balance out the negativity

I was visiting with someone recently about covid 19 and the topic of the virus being racist was brought up.  Covid 19 effects people of color disproportionately and they have poorer outcomes.  They stated “maybe they don’t seek medical care like they should” I said “the biggest predictor of health and mortality is your race.”  There was a long moment of silence and then “what did you say?”  I repeated “your race predicts your health status and your mortality”.  They said “you mean black people don’t get as good of health care?”  “Yes, that’s correct”

I explained the term health inequity, that this was not a new concept and one that has been studied and known for many years.  We talked about food deserts, poor access to medicine etc.  I encouraged  they look up health inequity and disparity and do what they could to understand it.

Another conversation included comments on how someone presented themselves and that it was unbecoming and hard to get past.  This person provided quality service and was professional but his appearance was something they just couldn’t appreciate.

“He had spikey hair, was covered with tattoos and had guaged ear lobes.  He was a hard worker but I just don’t understand that.”

I was perplexed as I sat visiting with this person, with my bleach blonde hair that was shaved on the sides and sticking straight up in the middle, my tattooed forearms and my skull earrings.

I told the story of what my mother said when she learned her granddaughter, my daughter, had gotten a HUGE tattoo on her back.    My mother said “people who get tattoos are old military veterans, bikers, or do drugs!”

It isn’t like that anymore I explained.   As I told the story I shared my tattoos and suggested that we judge people for their qualities and not how they look.  I think I was heard.

Every day I encounter people who are kind and caring but have old thoughts and biases.  Does this mean they are cruel people with hurtful intentions.  No.   I am hopeful that with genuine, thoughtful conversations we can change some of those old thoughts and biases.  We have hundreds of years of negative thoughts and beliefs.  It will take time to overcome that.  We must all do our part to listen, educate and encourage change in a positive way.  We need the world to be a loving caring place for everyone, where we all have the same access and quality of life, regardless of what we do, how we dress or the color of our skin.  Our lives depend on it!!

 

 

Most of us have the moral decency to recognize that murder is the worst violation of human rights and should never happen at the hands of someone who is supposed to ensure our safety.  What many fail to recognize is that it occurs through a slippery slope of injustices that go without recognition.

Many of you have cried out for justice yet you are the same people who bitch about affirmative action, want mandatory drug testing for welfare and food stamp recipients. You oppose mail in ballots, fail to recognize the health inequity for African Americans and don’t bat an eye at the fact that the United States has some of  highest maternal/fetal mortality rates in the world for African American women and their children.  Our president pretended to not recognize that due to health inequity African Americans are dying disproportionately from Covid-19.  This is not new information and has been on public health radar for decades.

It is through this slow desensitization of a people that allows for someone to be murdered on the streets in broad daylight, in public.  It is utter hypocrisy for you to put George Floyd’s picture on your Facebook page.

Which leads me to my next rant.  Did anyone ask Mr. Floyd’s mother how she felt about her son’s picture being on every news media web site, random stranger’s Facebook pages and IG stories.  Not a picture of his face but a picture of him succumbing.  Neither picture in my opinion is acceptable but the latter is definitely insensitive and traumatizing.

Have we become so desensitized that we can’t appreciate the brevity of a situation without seeing it?

Be respectful and take it down.  Find another way to advocate.  Maybe by doing some introspection on why this is happening and what YOU can do to help.

Some of us have very little experience with secondary trauma and may not recognize it.  You have to just take my word and believe that it is real.  Flooding your brain with constant negative information and images will take it’s toll.  Are you finding yourself increasingly anxious, agitated, angry, impatient?  Do you have little faith in others and see the world in a negative view?

Stop watching, listening and experiencing.    Practice empathy, true empathy, not just pity.  Do things that are truly helpful, and check the hypocrisy in your outrage.

I feel like most of my blogs have been  heavy or thought provoking.  Nothing wrong with that but it really isn’t what I am all about.  I am a gregarious, funny, light hearted, smart ass.  It is harder to get humor across in writing, or at least it is for me.  You can’t see my raised brows, the furrow between my eyes, the sarcasm in my voice and of course if the story is really funny you have to stand up to tell it.  I am going to give it a whirl here and tell my covid brain story.

First you have to understand my relationship with Dan, my husband.  We have been married for almost 32 years.  In that 32 years has come a lot of patience and we have no qualms about calling each other out on something.  People who don’t know us very well may think our marriage is in trouble.   No way.  Solid as a rock!  Just flowery.

One day last week our Pomeranian had an appointment at the vet.  This is done curbside, the staff comes out to your car, hands you the paperwork, then takes the dog in.  You wait and then they bring him back.  You pay your bill over the phone.  Pretty efficient truthfully.  Both Dan and I went, as in the world of covid this could potentially be considered a date.  Especially since we decided to pick up our favorite Mexican food on the way home.  Dan is becoming “hungry Dan” as we wait for Punkin, our dog, to come out.  There’s a funny story about the name Hungry Dan but I will leave that for another blog.  Hungry Dan is not very patient and he becomes more and more surly by the minute.   It is a true Jekyl and Hyde.

As I sit with Hungry Dan and wait on Punkin I realize I need gas.  I am notorious for procrastinating getting gas.  I don’t know why, during this season it is because I never drive my car.  I never go anywhere.  I haven’t put gas in my car in 6 weeks.

They hand me Punkin and I tell Dan, “we need to stop for gas before we pick up the food”  Dan snarls and gripes about my chronic low gas situation, we argue about where we are getting gas and he tells me “I’m starving just go to Walmart it’s on the way”

In route my driving is a little wacky and while making a left hand turn I almost cut someone off, Dan says, “do you want me to drive? You’re kind of scaring me”  I laugh and tell him ” I haven’t driven in awhile I guess I need to get out more.”  I have to admit the grouchier Dan gets the funnier I think it is.  So I am poking a little bit.  I pull up to the pump and think to myself, “wow, what a pretty green, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a green pump before?”  Dan being the chivalrous man he is, gets out to pump the gas.  Punkin and I stay in the car.  I can hear him trying to put the hose in the car and he is making a terrible racket.  I roll down the window and say “what the hell are you doing? You sound like you’re trying to tear my car apart”  “It’s diesel Lisa, did you not notice the green pump?”  I start laughing and can’t stop.  “you were the one trying to make the hose fit!”  I say.  “Back the car up to this pump” hungry Dan snarls.  I am laughing loudly and can’t stop.  He gets in while the gas pumps.  He is griping about me pulling up to the wrong pump and I am laughing because he tried to  make the hose fit.  A typical juxtaposition on our communication and relationship.

“I guess I have covid brain.  I have limited mental stimulation during the day,  I am forgetting how to perform simple tasks and I have forgotten that green means diesel.”  He starts to laugh, and then says “let’s hurry I’m starving.”

We drive to get our food and my driving skills are improved on the last leg of the trip.  We have giggled about that outing several times over the last few days.  When I tell the story it just isn’t as funny as if you were there.  I encourage you to imagine hungry Dan wrestling with the gas pump as his loud obnoxious wife laughs and yells to him out the window.  Hear the snarl and hunger in his voice.

Take care of your brain during this time.  Play candy crush, do a puzzle or read trivial pursuit cards.  Please don’t take each other too seriously.  That is the one thing that I think has kept Dan and I together.  We can see our weaknesses and realize that that is what makes us who we are.  We love that part of ourselves and each other as much as all the other qualities.  Lastly remember that green means diesel!!

 

 

 

This is to all of those fabulous mother’s.  Mother’s day is a day of mixed emotions for many people.  The mother child relationship is not always the loving glowing thing depicted on the hallmark cards.  There are those of us who have yet to birth a child, who have lost a child, who have lost their mother or who are struggling with the whole mother thing in general.

Society puts a lot of pressure on mother’s.   We are the ones judged for our child’s eating habits, weight issues, problems with addictions, their relationships, tantrums;  how we dress, how we interact, how successful we are.  It is all due to how your mother raised you.

We could talk about whether that is true or not but we can leave that for another day.  The point is, the pressure is there and it is real.

It is the hardest job we will do and we will make mistakes.  It is the female that keeps the human race alive and so regardless of those  mistakes it is time for kudos

Drink the wine, eat the cake, make someone else change the shitty diaper and fix dinner. Sit in the hammock, let the laundry go.  Ignore the boogers on the wall and the pee on the toilet seat.  Relax in the tub while the small humans and pets wait outside the door.

Put your makeup on or sit in your sweatpants. Do whatever makes you happy.  Tell yourself you are doing a good job and that without you the world would not exist, because the uterus IS the heart of mankind, literally and figuratively.

Girl Power!!!!

Most days the sounds of my home are the simple ticking of the kitchen clock and an occasional plunking of my fingers on the keyboard.  I don’t typically have the TV on or any music.  Some may think that is a deafening silence but it is peaceful to me.  I can hear the chickadees in my backyard who have recently set up house in one of my birdhouses; the squirrels barking at the cats and Mr Carolina wren who sings with much vigor.

When I have the little boys the sounds are much different.  The sounds of rummaging through the toy box, the high pitched sound that let’s me know I need to intervene, giggling and then, occasionally silence that is often followed by whining or crying.  No school and limited structure have been an adjustment for them.

Lots of us have had issues with our circadian rhythm.  Getting that second wind at 10:30 pm.  Binge watching old season’s of Friends or Will and Grace until 1:00 am.  Your pets are looking at you like you’re a freak and begging you to hit the sack.

I have become acutely aware of how the mail truck sounds vs how the garbage truck,  UPS or FedEx.  Each has it’s own tone, speed and decibel.

My sense of what day it is is faltering and the only reason I can keep track of time is because I am still working.  Punkin still manages to know when it is close to 5pm.  He sits by the front door and waits for daddy to come home.

I miss the sounds of other people’s conversations in the background as I sit and enjoy a meal at my favorite restaurant.

I want to walk through the aisles of Home Goods and browse.  I miss the smell of leather and plastic at DSW.  I have yet to buy my spring flowers out of respect for social distancing.

The sounds and experiences are different now and we are all adjusting.  There may be a new normal for us;  smaller venues, decreased hours.

Maybe a change in thought on what is necessary and what isn’t.

Maybe a new respect for the person who leaves my package, the boy who bags my groceries, the woman who fixes my hair.

An appreciation for teachers who spend HOURS with our children and grandchildren, keeping the environment structured and productive.

Realizing how long the day truly is for our sweet dogs.

Understanding the overwhelming feelings of worry stress and anxiety that some experienced long before this happened.

Recognizing the need for human companionship, close physical proximity and appreciating true spontaneity.

I am sending positive vibes into the world and sending a virtual hug.  I encourage you to light candles, snuggle, play music that is comforting.  Turn off the television, get your hands dirty.  Pet your cat and walk your dog.

Take care of yourself so that we can mend the world!!  It is going to need us!

*photo is a water hyacinth from my koi pond