The beauty of the dream

I dreamt of Jaymee last night. I haven’t done that in a long time. In the dream we were getting ready for some type of event. It required us to get dressed up. Jaymee, myself, my friend Kelley and her two adult daughters were together dressing for the occasion. Kelley and I were admiring our girls and their beauty.

Jaymee was pregnant and making jokes about her belly. She was her jovial, sarcastic, gregarious self. I could hear her voice so clearly, we hugged and I “felt” her. I could smell her hair. It was a wonderful dream.

When I was transitioning from sleep to wake I concentrated on remembering her voice. My conscious brain can’t hear it anymore. This hurts me and I didn’t realize how much. I lay there in the dark and tried to bring it back to my conscious self. It was there momentarily and then it was gone. I lay there in the dark and cried.

Earlier in the day I had seen a patient who spoke of losing her son. Her way to grieve was she didn’t. She did not feel emotions. She said she did not feel joy, or anger or sadness. She was thinking it was time to address his loss. We talked about it. I told her it would be hard and painful.

I told her how the empathy that I have for others is sometimes unbearable.

I told her of a friend who had recently lost her son and that when I heard the news it was like someone kicked me in the stomach. I knew the pain she would have for the next several years would be unbearable at times.

We talked about the cliche saying of you have to experience loss to experience complete joy. I don’t know if this is true. There were days that the thought of not being seemed the best choice. I am grateful I did not act on that.

In February it will be 20 years since Jaymee’s death. I hate that I didn’t get to be a grandmother to her children, that I didn’t get to see her become an adult with a career and a family. I hate that I didn’t get to see she and Logan have an adult sibling relationship.

I am grateful that I survived her death.

I am grateful that I chose life

I am grateful that on a rare occasion I can help others.

I am grateful for the wonders of the human brain that allowed me to hear and feel her in my dream.